I cringe when I hear men say “well, God blesses men who heed the wise cautions of their wives so” and then go on to defend a failure of patriarchy in their lives. While our women are supposed to be trusted counselors and confidants in our lives, their voice should not be leading our household.
In a healthy dynamic, you are able to listen to your woman’s fears and concerns, seek her wisdom and counsel, but you won’t be controlled by them.
When we see examples in scripture of The Most High directing men, we don’t often see them taking counsel with their women before obeying. Maybe it’s recorded in the apocryphal book of second opinions, but it certainly wasn’t recorded as part of the word for our edification and instruction.
In fact, we see Adam called out directly by The Most High “because thou hast done this, because thou hast listened to the voice of thy woman”. Now, before you indict me for cherry-picking a biblical quote out of context, let me put this quote in the context of the full witness of scripture.
Man was created as the image of The Most High. We are given the mission of dominion, and women are created to be our helpers in that mission. We as men bear responsibility for teaching the commandments of The Most High in our homes, for shepherding, leading and guiding our families.
We are ultimately accountable for everyone placed under our covering by him. Our women,
children, bondservants (I don’t really know anyone with those today, but it’s biblical) and anyone else who is within our gates.
In the story of Mose’s return to Egypt to deliver the people, Zipporah was never consulted as to what she felt on the matter, nor did Abram consult Sarai on his plan to “get him out of the land of his people and of his kindred”. Whilst we are instructed by Peter to dwell with our women in an understanding way or “according to knowledge”, it does not say “dwell with your woman according to counsel” or “heed thou the counsel and caution of the woman which I set before thee, for she is my voice in your heart, my prophet to instruct thee.”
There is simply no biblical support for the idea that man ought to heed the wise cautions of his
woman, or that she is the stereo system or messenger of The Most High for his guidance. She’s not the mirror used to teach us our faults and failures. The role of the woman is to provide sound counsel when called upon, but even these counsels are limited in their application.
When taking counsel from our women, we must carefully weigh it. You will need to distinguish
between her wisdom and emotion, her intuition and true discernment, her passions and her
expertise. Women are not created to be and think in logical, rational terms. They are the beauty of our strength, the glory of our power and the grace to our authority, but this means your woman’s counsel must always be kept in it’s proper context. You cannot allow your woman’s counsel to become your decision maker, you cannot allow her to become your spiritual leader by counsel.
As we attempt to make decisions to lead our families, discussing things with our women often takes center stage in those decisions. While I do actually discuss just about everything with my woman, the majority of those discussions are about what decision I’ve made or discussions I’ve had with other men. I do seek her opinion, her feelings and her counsel. But these comprise maybe 20% of the decision, my woman’s counsel is not a controlling factor in the decisions I make.
Next, there’s somewhere between 20% and 30% the counsel of other men. Talking with men whom I know are leading their families well, who have wisdom and experience to share and who know me personally and what’s going on in my life so they are able to speak into it. These men don’t agree with me on everything, I’m not stepping into an echo chamber, and quite often I’ve heard things from them I really didn’t want to listen to. But they are the wise counselors that Solomon advises us provide safety.
The final components of my decisions are the most important. What is The Most High instructing me to do? Where is he leading me? What do I know and believe about his word, what experience do I have and how am I living with my woman in an understanding way? These are the factors that should compromise 51% of the decision in a patriarchal household.
We have to be careful not to discount the things our women tell us as they do have intuition we men do not. They have a perspective that we do not either. But in accepting counsel from your woman, you cannot allow her to become the spiritual head of your household. You need to investigate things for yourself, discern between her wisdom and feelings, take your questions and concerns to The Most High in prayer personally and counsel with other men who walk orderly as you do.
Allowing your woman to isolate you through her counsel, alienate you from other men and their
experience, perspective and counsel and control where you get information from is dangerous. If she’s your primary source of information it leaves you vulnerable to manipulation from her, whether intentional or unintentional you are putting her in a position of power, yet you are still the one accountable.
Anytime you permit her to establish someone as an authority such as a pastor, counselor, author or wherever she’s getting her information from, you are undermining yourself as the head of your home. It is your responsibility to protect and guide her, not hers to lead you.
Just before explaining the characteristics he should be looking for in a woman, Solomon’s mother cautioned him “give not thy strength unto women, nor thy ways to that which destroys kings”. We as men need to be on guard for the ways in which we give our strength to the women we are supposed to be leading, guiding and protecting.
It is your responsibility to sanctify her. Think about the things Messiah says about his church. Any statement you say about your woman, you need to substitute the wording. Where you say “husband and wife”, substitute it with “Christ and Church”. Does “God bless Jesus for heeding the wise cautions of his church”? Is it “Happy church, happy Christ”?
Remember, the church is the bride of Christ. So if these statements make no sense to you, then
why would you apply them to your bride? Love your bride as Christ loved his. Shepherd your bride as Christ shepherded his. And lead your bride, as Christ led his. You are ultimately going to be the one to answer for her in the end.